dear God

Dear God,

I didn’t even think that I needed to write you this letter, but here we are. Our relationship used to be different, and I was more of the bow down and worship type of follower the church told me to be. But then things changed, and I stopped believing the magic in the stories, and became much more hardened. Today, I went to church again, and when the first worship song started to play, I felt myself swallowing tears that haven’t been shed in a really long time. It brought it all back to me. The love that we share. The love I was raised on. And the love that I desperately need again. Today I asked myself why are you so scared? And God asked me where I’ve been. The innocence of this Sunday has brought me to my knees.

I didn’t truly realize I was mad at you until today. I thought we still held some type of relationship, but in reality, it’s been you begging me to hold on while I search for some semblance of hope that came with your word. I thought our relationship had just matured into eye rolls and a senseless doubt of happiness. It wasn’t until I was back in church that I realized how you had carried me through the last few years without reciprocity. And so, I guess I must be mad that I even had to go through it. In other words, I’m mad you put me through it. But I can only say that now because I’ve realized you didn’t. You cried when I cried. And you had a vision that you whispered, and I made happen. It’s the only way to put it.

So, why am I still giving you the side eye? Am I selfish? Probably. Or truthfully, yes. But it’s much more likely that I have a warped view of what I’ve gone through, and I haven’t been able to see the purpose until now. Even now, I only know 1% of the truth. Stepping into that church today taught me to view my situation differently. I was never alone. I didn’t cry alone. I didn’t talk to no one. It was all you. And the family, friends, and life that you gave me. But I still look at you that way. So, what is it that I need to say?

I don’t know what your purpose is yet. I don’t know what the meaning of what you put me through is. I am so mad at you for the past few years that I don’t know how to fix it. I blame you as much as I blame myself- the two beings that have some ability to control what happens to me. No one understood. I always felt alone. I never thought I was going to get better. I accepted the struggles of a life that only some lead. And then I got better. So, now, I can see you again. The pain and hardship were so blinding that I haven’t even considered you in a long time. Now that I’m here, I want to disguise myself for you like the little girl that was told to worship in fear of failure. Like when I lied to the priest when I was eight just to have something to say. But I don’t want that relationship. I want it to be real. And, so, I am mad at you.

Today, in church, they talked about Mary and how she was a virgin. And I scuffed. Immediately, I doubted the word. I was so surprised by this response. I thought I was close to God. I mean, he talks to me. Doesn’t that make me special? I used to talk back, but my voice was stolen, and you became a friend that kept calling with fictious promises. I am proud of the relationship I have with you, but now I realize it needs some work. Instead of just noticing your messages and saying I know God, I need to actively work on the relationship I’ve known since birth. I may not believe that I can get better but when it’s through God, I know I can do anything.

So, I’m going to try. I’ll pray every day not just for myself but for the ones I love and anyone else that needs it. I will stop looking for a friend and instead talk to the one that I have. I’m going to actively worship something that I used to believe in. All I need you to do is take away this fear that is holding me back from growth and progress. I can’t just not be mad anymore. I can’t even find where it lives deep inside of me. But I am going to try, and I pray that we only get closer.