I think something…

is happening. I have thought for the longest time that I simply didn’t have a personality. It felt like my mental health conditions robbed me of everything I am, and I convinced myself that I was essentially nobody. But lately… I’m doing things again. I am doing art again, writing again, and showing it all on this blog. I’ve gotten in touch spiritually and I read my bible but I’m also doing my tarot cards. I’m a fucking runner again. I’m reading books, watching shows, and remembering what it’s like to relax and enjoy my hobbies. It’s like a new awakening, but over the past few days, something even bigger than that has been happening.

I’m actively working on my recovery. I’m talking using skills, reading the books, and diving into my conditions in a way I could never do before. And guess what? It’s working. I’ve known for a while now that anxiety is my real problem, and over the last few months, it has gotten so much easier to handle. Now, I have to say, I did start an anxiety medication so you can never forget how important that part of it is, but it doesn’t take the anxiety away completely. And instead of reaching for an unhealthy coping mechanism, I’m doing things like meditating and picking up my Nintendo switch or diving into the new world of a book, and I’m fucking enjoying it. I started that PTSD workbook I bought so long ago, and I read a few chapters of the bipolar book mom got me. I’m actively working on my recovery, and it feels so great that I can actually do it. Years of guilt over not working hard enough (even though I was) is going away. I’m healing myself, and I can’t stress enough how good it feels. So, what’s next?

Your world kind of falls apart when you have a mental health episode, and I’m recovering for five year’s worth. I’ve been hospitalized seven times. I lived in a PTSD hospital for three months. I’d get better and then go into psychosis again. And my world completely fell apart. So, I try not to be hard on myself about the other areas of my life that need tending. I’m so excited that my mental health recovery is active and thriving. I worked hard for it, and I’m genuinely proud of myself, but the medications I am on have affected my physical health tremendously, and it’s time that I work on it. I saw a doctor and did blood work, and we have a plan moving forward. But this is part of the recovery and I’m excited to do something about it. But again, I think something is happening.

Could I be feeling normal? Why does that scare me so much? Can I actually do it? Do I have what it takes? Is tomorrow going to be hard? Or will I finally feel normal? Have I actually recovered? Why do I suddenly crave socialization? Did I do something right? Will it never happen again? Can I actually say that? Am I healed? Did I do it? Can I relax? Do I need to fight again? Did I really do it? Can I finally say I won?

Xoxo