but was she the same?

I never had room to think about the ways I’d changed throughout my recovery. I was seriously fighting for my life, and that’s the point. Fighting for your life changes you in ways you’ll never fully understand. I used to say I didn’t have a rock bottom but at the time, I didn’t know that was because I was living it. And today? I feel like an entirely different person. I don’t remember what it was like before fighting. I have no way to gauge what’s normal and what’s not anymore. But I’m starting to stop and find peace in the calm which has caused me to ask- who am I now?

I’m really hard on myself and I used to really like the person that I was, but it’s been a difficult process to love this new version of myself. Sometimes I feel cold compared to the innocent, warm teenager that I was. I have definitely hardened, and more recently, I’m way more defensive of myself and my journey. This version of me is strong in a way no one should know, and these days, I can handle anything that is thrown at me. I feel like now I can be the calm in the storm during any hardship.

One of the things that stops me from loving myself today is the fear of what others think. Do they like me? Or do they like the old me? Do I need to be that person again or can they accept this new version? It’s all anxiety when it comes down to it, but it is a genuine fear of mine that someone like my mom wishes I was how I used to be. But I just can’t be that way anymore. And I hope everyone can follow me down the path of change.

I know this is a short one today but that’s all I need to say. Talk to you next week.

xoxo