am I a bad friend?
The question haunts me to the very end. Since almost ten years ago, I’ve moved from place to place, finding different friends all over the place. It’s always been easy to connect. I’ve always created strong bonds with people. But, and it coincides with my mental health decline, I now find myself alone. And I have to ask myself, am I a bad friend?
I grew out of my childhood friends when I went from a catholic school to a public high school. I tried to stay in touch, but they were judgy, and they didn’t like “the things I had been doing” (AKA drinking). My very best friend apologized years later but by that time, I wasn’t interested in being her friend at all, and she only apologized because she had started drinking herself. Even so, I have to ask, am I a bad friend?
I started high school with a group of friends that didn’t last the year. They had all grown up together and I was sort of the odd man out. We were not the most honorable and even had a list of houses to egg on the weekends. I’m fuzzy on how it ended, but I think I just found new friends. But it still makes me ask myself, am I a bad friend?
That’s when I became a group of three and to this day, these are some of the best friends I’ve ever had. We were the definition of close, and we grew up together thinking it was forever. I’d still do anything for the two of them, and I’d like to think they’d do the same. But when we all went to college, we parted a bit, but still stayed close. I was constantly visiting them both and they visited me, too. But even then, I had new friends, and they did, too. We sort of replaced one another. At the end of college, one of them ghosted me but the other one is still surprisingly in my life through someone else even if we don’t talk. Does this mean I am a bad friend?
With college came my closest group of friends. There were six of us and we had a group nickname that every on campus used. We lived together, went out together, and did everything we could together. I’ve never been closer to anyone in my whole life. But then senior year came, and I absolutely changed. It’s when the panic attacks started and none of them understood my emotional state. Plus, I had a new boyfriend. And I stopped drinking (the real reason they dumped me). And the bottom line is, they all ghosted me, and when I asked why, they said they didn’t want to be friends anymore. So, am I a bad friend?
When I moved to England after college, I found my people. My program gave me like-minded friends that accepted me in every possible way. There was no craziness or drama- it was just normal. We had fun. We studied hard. And we were all there for each other through all of it. They became my family abroad, and their friendships got me through it. By the end of my time in England, I was a complete mess. I was in psychosis. I was abusing pills. I was in debt. I was hanging on by a string. Not all of them saw it but for the ones that did, we aren’t friends anymore. And the others scattered all over the world at this point were there for me in the ways they could. But no one saw the full effect except for my family, and we have drifted in some ways. But does that mean I am a bad friend?
Now, I’ve learned a lot. And I just hope that I can find my friends in this chapter of my life. Because I don’t think I am a bad friend. I just haven’t met the right ones yet.
xoxo
