so what’s changed?
Everything. I mean everything changed. Or went back to being the same. My ECT brain has no idea. I thought about it yesterday and I realized that I didn’t just gradually change in the beginning- I felt like it happened all at once. And getting better? The same thing. It’s like everything changed in one single day. So, how’d that happen? What do I know now? And more importantly, who am I today?
The biggest change was my level of anxiety, and I didn’t realize how bad it was until I didn’t have it anymore. I came to function in a constant state of fight or flight. Each day, I had anxiety twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It had become all that I knew in regard to feelings because other than anxiety, I felt nothing but numbness. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry, and I never felt sad. I felt nothing. Now, getting my feelings back has been hard. I’ll never forget the shock of feeling annoyed for the first time in years. I had been rolled over by a dump truck and never recovered from the injuries. But now, my feelings are back, so watch out before you annoy me.
Socialization is one of the biggest contenders for change of the year. I was always an extrovert seeking the company of others and spending time with family. But I developed a social clock that only allowed an hour or two of socialization, and somedays it allowed zero. It was like torture or pulling teeth. I had to be alone. Socializing took so much effort. But now, I could cry as I say that I love socializing again. Or at least I seek it out and push past the anxiety that comes with it. Most days, that’s manageable. But I still respect and honor the alone time that I need. For example, I can now spend five days in an air bnb with my extended family, but that does mean that at the end of the trip, I will be begging for alone time. But isn’t that normal? Am I actually normal now? You have no idea how much I seek that.
Now, this one is a sensitive topic. Before, I was someone who traveled constantly, exploring new places and meeting some of my favorite people. And it’s killed me that I feel like I’ve lost that part of myself. I seek my family’s reassurance and presence because they’re the ones that carried me through everything, and I’ll honestly say that I’m scared. I’ve only realized recently how much it has affected me because I am applying for jobs and I’m just not ready for ones outside of Chicago. I’d love to move for my dream job. But I’m just not ready. And saying it now, I know I will get it back. I know I won’t be so scared anymore. Because I’m going to do incredible things.
When it comes down to it, I am different, and I have changed. My innocence was taken. My confidence has hit a blow. But I’m okay with that and honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
