believe in me
Why do I find it so hard to believe in me? The chick is cracking the shell, but when will I emerge with confidence in this world? I think for so long, I lived as if the things that happened to me were because of ME, and it has taken a long time to understand that’s not true. BUT I had to come out of it for that to actually live in my belief system. I can’t even remember if I had this issue before, or if I have always had a hard time believing in myself, but I want to say no. I think this emerged and developed the longer I lived in what I would call misery. When did I start blaming myself for the misery? I want to say the whole time, but a recap isn’t going to sort the issue, and I need to simply focus on the problem.
I wanted to say that trauma has a role in the problem as well. I don’t BELIEVE I’m going to accomplish x, y, or z because I spent years laying around wishing I could get myself to do anything. This could be simply showering, or spending time out of bed, or watching a Netflix show instead of laying with my eyes closed in silence. YES, EVEN NETFLIX. Nothing made me happy, and everything was a struggle, so, what did I do? I dreamt. I dreamt about the book that I am going to send out for publishing this year. I dreamt about the business I outlined last week. I dreamt about being a runner again and this morning I ran two miles. My dreams got me through the pain, but years of an inability to follow my dreams did steal some of my belief in them.
And I want to say that the only thing I’ve found to combat this disbelief is directly contradicting it by achieving my dreams. I start to panic if one day is harder than it has been of late. I go back to that place- in bed barely able to live. I start to get fearful, and I kick into fight or flight mode as a reaction. But the feeling is simple. I just have to do the opposite of what my brain says, and then it will go away. The opposite of inaction is action, and I have to prove to myself that I am able to do anything I put my mind to, and I have started to believe in me. I refuse to be scared of the day to day anymore and run away because of a fear of failure. The only regret I will have in this life is for the dreams I don’t try to achieve, and I will never stop making my own dreams come true. I will always fight for that girl dreaming in bed and her pain will push me farther than anything she could have ever imagined.
Now, I have to say, the people I love have ALWAYS believed in me, and their encouragement, praise, and unlimited belief will always surprise me. Even my neighbor mentioning the other day that I am an ‘artist’ shocked me. First, I have always wanted to be and second, how did you know that? Is that something people think of me as? My sister once said off handedly that I was creative, and it blew me to pieces. Am I really the person I think I am? Everyone else seems to know me, and I know that they ultimately believe in me. So, isn’t it time to believe in myself?
I think everyone should have to swallow the words that they’d preach to other people because if I did, I would believe in me. BUT it’s a journey and even though it is getting better, I still need my muses.
xoxo
